Loki and the Mortal Madams
by MissyMaestro
Summary: The Avengers are no great friends of Loki's, but when he finds himself in need of assistance on Earth, he turns to the only Midgardian he truly trusts: his brother's ex-girlfriend. Her clever, voluptuous roommate is a plus.
1. Chapter 1

Jane Foster was obviously conflicted.

Her hands were crossed defensively over her chest, but there was something soft and kind in her eyes. She nervously chewed at the inside of her cheek, causing her lips to dance about feverishly.

"Hello, Jane Foster," Loki greeted her hesitantly. He offered her a genuine smile.

It had been another Midgardian year since he'd seen his brother's mortal ex-partner. Jane was now a celebrated scientist on her realm, and the prince was actually quite surprised to see her at home in Chicago. The way Thor used to speak of her travels, it seemed she was on a plane every other day, heading to another convention or school to share her findings on, well, Thor and him. That's why he was shocked to find her at home, just finishing the dishes in the kitchen.

"Loki. What are you doing here?" She blinked, then tilted her head, obviously trying to figure the situation out for herself as she stood in her slippers and pajamas. "I thought you-"

"Just visiting," Loki chuckled. "I'm glad you're well, Jane. Much better than the last time I saw you."

She cleared her throat and nodded. The last she'd seen Loki, he'd been killed on Svartalfheim. Or not. "I – I didn't get a chance to thank you for helping us with the Aether. And saving me."

Waving his hand dismissively, Loki tutted. "Think nothing of it."

"I imagine you heard that Thor and I-"

"Indeed." Loki noted the awkward expression on her face and took pity on her. "Hopefully my presence isn't too intrusive, especially considering that."

From down the hallway a door creaked and sluggish footsteps dragged against the carpet. "Who are you talking to? Who calls this early in the morning?"

"Darcy, there's actually someone here-" Jane blurted, but it was too late.

Jane's intern Darcy Lewis stumbled into the kitchen in underwear decorated with different types of cacti and a tight black tank top, groggily rubbing her eyes and pushing her thick mane of dark hair back over her shoulder. She stretched on her tip-toes to reach the highest cabinet and drew down a brightly colored box of cereal. "Too early. No talkie before coffee."

Jane and Loki watched in bemusement while Darcy sleepily poured her bowl of Lucky Charms, made a cup of coffee, and sat down at the kitchen table. She was halfway through her third mouthful of when she spat the kibbles out onto the table and choked. "How long have you been here?" she squawked at Loki. Her eyes were wide as she glanced to Jane for answers. "How-?"

"Hey," Jane shrugged. "I told you he was here. I wanted to see how long it took you to realize it."

Loki cleared his throat and tried his hardest not to let his gaze wander to those milky white legs or superb breasts. "I apologize for the intrusion- Thor said you would most likely be traveling and I-"

"Oh, shit!" Darcy exclaimed, suddenly wide awake. Decency be damned, she flew from her chair into the kitchen and banged open the utensils drawer. "Jane, why is he here? Where's Thor? Does he know? Why aren't you _doing_ anything?"

"Actually-" Loki started.

"Darcy," Jane scolded her as the intern spun around with a wild look in her eye and a large chef's knife in her hand. "I told you he saved my life when Thor and I-"

The brunette shook her head. "Jane! Don't you remember New York?!" She prowled toward Loki, carefully planting one foot in front of the other. "I'm going to give him a piece of _Midgard_ 's mind."

Trying not to grin at how much the woman looked like a tigress on the hunt, Loki put his hands up. "I intend you no harm, Darcy Lewis."

"Then why are you here? Huh?" Darcy narrowed her eyes and looked back to Jane.

"Maybe put some pants on and we can talk about it?" Jane suggested. "I actually don't know why he's here, either."

The intern's cheeks suddenly burned red and she shifted so that her legs were nearly crossed and her arms covered her breasts. "Oh." She offered a few sheepish chuckles. "Yeah. Okay." She backed through the kitchen, setting the knife back in the drawer, refusing to take her eyes off of the alien prince as she did.

When the door creaked shut down the hallway, Jane giggled and bit her lip. "Wow. Sorry. So that's Darcy."

Loki allowed himself to smirk now that the mortal has loosened up in his presence. "She's a lovely creature."

Jane raised an eyebrow. "Really? She pulled a knife on you."

"She didn't use it."

Jane scoffed. "She would have if she was wearing pants. Believe me."

"I prefer _all_ my would-be assailants to look and dress just like her." He grinned wolfishly. "Quite a greeting."

"No," Jane replied dryly. "That's not a good idea. Well, I – nevermind. Just no."

Loki grinned. "As you wish, Miss Foster."


	2. First Impressions

Dressed but feeling no less exposed, Darcey Lewis sat on the couch with her arms crossed over her flannel shirt. She shot daggers at the raven-haired man sitting with perfect poise on the broken down recliner; _her_ recliner. Darcey hated everything about him at the moment. Who wore suit pants around Chicago on a Saturday afternoon? Okay, maybe some people did, but there was no reason for him to come to _her_ home and gawk at her as she tried to make her morning cereal and then have the audacity to look so good sitting there with those perfect cheekbones. "So you're here because why?" she snapped. _That'll show him._

"I'm seeking assistance from Jane," Loki explained again. "And you, as it were." A charming smile flashed in her direction.

Her heart seemed to skip a beat, but she hoped it was just gas and not flattery. "And why can't you ask Tony Stark for help?" Darcey narrowed her eyes. "Are you sure you're not up to something? I feel like we should let the Avengers know. Steve _really_ wouldn't like that you're back without a babysitter." She reached over and slapped Jane in the arm. "Call Thor."

Huffing, Jane shook her head. "I couldn't if I wanted to. No phone, remember?" She looked to Loki. "What do you need _my_ help with?"

Loki pressed his fingertips together. "I thought you might repay the favor for our little charade on Svartalfheim." He offered a kind smile. "I'm only asking for room and board."

 _Shit. I forgot he saved Jane's life._ "That's only a lot toask for," Darcey snapped. "Thor lived with us for a while. We know how much you alien gods eat. You think I can afford a box of Pop-Tarts a day for however long you're here?" She laughed, then pulled an intense face. "We can't. Sorry, no room in the inn. Move along."

"Darce," Jane said, raising an eyebrow. "I'm sure he wouldn't be here if it wasn't important. Right?"

The sincere look on her face perplexed Darcey. _This dude tried to take over Earth. What's up with the puppy dog eyes?_

Chuckling, Loki nodded. "Yes, of the utmost importance, I'm afraid. Asgard has been destroyed and all of its people essentially kidnapped by Thanos. Thor and I were-"

"Is he okay?" Jane gasped, jumping up from the couch. "What do you mean Asgard was destroyed?" Her mouth hung open and she looked from Loki to Darcey.

"I obviously don't know," Darcey rolled her eyes. She turned to Loki to gauge his approval on her sass, then suddenly wondered why. The smile fell from her face and she replaced it with a scowl.

"It's a long story," Loki sighed. "And I don't know, to be honest. The last I saw Thor, he was fighting with guards and I was on my way to an escape pod." He shrugged. "I'm sure he'll be fine."

Jane stood and jabbed a finger at Loki as she stormed toward him. "You _abandoned_ him?"

Growing solemn, Loki put his hands up. "You could say he abandoned _me_. It wouldn't be the first time."

The petite scientist put her hands on her hips and glared down at the prince. " _You just said you left him to escape!"_

Darcey leaned forward, studying the prince's face. _Is he scared of Jane?! "_ Let him have it, Jane."

Loki cleared his throat and leaned back in the chair to escape her index finger as she jabbed it toward him. When the recliner rocked backward, Loki let out a yelp. He jumped to his feet, nearly bowling Jane over. Darcey cackled as Loki smoothed his suit and cleared his throat. "I seem to have broken your chair contraption," he said.

"Sit back down!" Jane snapped, jabbing her finger in his chest.

Loki took a step backward, his hands again hovering near his face. "Listen. Thor's fine. Always. He should have been dead a dozen or more times by now, but he's not! Trust me. He's out there fighting for the greater good somewhere."

"Then why are you here and not helping him?"

Loki glanced to Darcey as if for help. "I'm of more help here. If I could just-"

"No!" Jane screeched.

Loki sighed in exasperation. "I only ask for a place to stay- somewhere away from SHIELD and their cronies. I must talk to the Avengers but I-"

"Go to hell!"

"Thanos is on his way to take over this realm-"

"-he never would've left you anywhere, even if you deserved it-"

"-he _will_ die if you don't-"

"Don't tell _me_ what to do!"

Darcey stood up. "Stop, stop, stop." She put an arm on Loki's chest and Jane's collarbone. "Back up. I'm not sure which of you would turn out worse for wear if you duked it out."

Jane's chest heaved as she panted in anger. Loki was perfectly still.

"That's better. Jane, sit," Darcey cooed. "Now, listen here, Space Man. Jane's obviously going to let you stay, 'cause astronomy and science and stuff."

Jane shrugged begrudgingly.

"Right," Darcey continued and looked back to Loki, who was listening attentively. "If you so much as _think_ about pulling any shit here, I'll show you my little friend- the one that put _Thor_ flat on his ass." She nodded triumphantly. "Yeah. He actually compared me to you a few times, saying I had my own tricks he had to watch out for." With a dramatic hair flip, she shrugged. "So those are the rules. You even think about doing anything shitty? I'll taze you. You can have my room. There's a futon in there under my bunk."

Loki raised an eyebrow. "In your chambers?"

The frivolity of the idea suddenly struck Darcey. _Don't let him see you sweat._ "That way I can keep an eye on you. Got it?"

Looking pleased, Loki nodded. "Understood. Are there any other house rules I should be made aware of?"

"And don't eat my Lucky Charms." Darcey mimed shooting her tazer. " _Or else."_

* * *

Later that evening, a howl of pain pierced the apartment walls with the sharpness of a Asgardian dagger.

Loki looked up from Darcey's desk as swearing, thuds, and more miscellaneous commotion continued from the direction of the bathroom. "Are you in peril?" he called.

Jane was at her university, teaching a night class, leaving only Darcey as the culprit. The scenarios playing out in his head were each more humiliating for her than the last. The prince figured Miss Lewis would best be left alone to solve her own misfortune. A moment later, a sheepish call made him raise an eyebrow.

"Loki?"

He sighed and sat back. "Yes?"

Darcey's voice was filled with hesitation. "Could – could you bring me the gauze? It's in the first aid kit in the linen closet."

Admittedly concerned, Loki quickly retrieved the pack and let his hand rest on the bathroom door. "Are you decent?"

Darcey's milky white back and shoulders greeted him. With naught but a fluffy yellow towel tucked around her body, the woman sat on the ledge of the tub, feet in the water, cradling her arm. Tearing his gaze from her long neck, Loki took in the rest of the scene. Shards of glass from a broken candle, small puddles of water and fat droplets of blood covered the tile floor. Loki perched next to Darcey, cringing at the sight of the ruby bathwater. "You mortals are pathetically fragile. What happened?" he asked as he took her arm and inspected the deep gash running up her wrist.

She snatched her arm away. Heavy blood drops sprinkled into the bath. "I can do it," she snarled. "I just needed the stuff. Jane would kill me if I got blood on the carpet." Her fingers trembled and the gauze tumbled out of her grasp.

Loki snatched the roll midair before it hit the bloody water. "Allow me," he said firmly. "I've assisted in treating battle wounds. I assure you I can manage a scratch." He offered a smirk, but her distress was masking her usually humorous approach to problems.

"The bath was way too hot," she explained impatiently. "Jane _always_ messes with the temperature dial. Anyway, I jumped back out and knocked the candle over and landed on it, I guess? Stupid." She pursed her lips and cleared her throat.

"May I-?" Loki suggested.

"Fine," Darcey bristled, flinging her arm into his lap. Blood trickled onto his black trousers and he pretended not to notice. Not only was her arm still bleeding, but an agitated red burn welt was rising near her elbow. Unafraid of trivial human contamination, he ran clean water and rinsed clean her arm. "Truly, you mortals are concerningly fragile," he joked as he pressed his hand over her forearm.

Suddenly she hissed in pain. "It _hurts!_ " She sucked in a breath. "What are you doing? That stings!" She opened her mouth to protest further, but instantly quieted. Wonder filled her eyes as Loki's hand faded to a midnight blue and coolness spread from his fingers. "Holy shit," she whispered.

"I hope this will perhaps win me brief consideration before you decide you want to taze me, hmm?" He pulled his hand away and nodded at his work. The bleeding had stopped and the burn had calmed to a pale pink shine. "There. I'll bandage this and be on my way."

"Thank you," Darcey muttered, clutching at her towel fiercely. "That was embarrassing."

"Not at all," the god replied easily. He tucked the first aid kit under his arm and stood. "Enjoy your bath."

"Watch out for the-" Darcey exclaimed. Loki stepped over clean tile and exited the bathroom. The blood, glass, and broken candle had all gone. She stared in wonder, then noticed the bath water had gone clear again. In her wonder, the only thing she could think to breathe was "Holy shit."


	3. Traditions

**Chapter 3**

"Loki," Jane called cheerily as she dropped her keys on the table by the door one sunny afternoon. "Good news, or at least I _think_ you'll see it as good news. I just got a call from Tony. Thor's alive!" She kicked off her ankle boots and finally looked up.

"And no one is surprised," Loki commented boredly from his armchair. He unfurled his long legs and folded up the _Tribune_. "Nothing will kill him. He should have been dead dozens of times and he prances in uninjured time after time." He saw her expression and immediately softened. "Are you relieved, Miss Foster?"

Jane chewed at her lip. "I guess. I mean I don't _care._ I don't want anything bad to happen to him. But I just thought you'd care. He's your brother." She lingered by the table, wringing her hands.

"My apologies." Loki shrugged. "Any other word from Stark?"

"None," Jane replied. "And I kept your secret. You're welcome." She raised an eyebrow. "No one else knows you're here. He doesn't expect anything. Again, you're welcome."

"I appreciate that," Loki replied, truly grateful. "I seem to owe you a great debt, and ever mounting." He tossed the newspaper aside. "What's happening this evening?"

"Nothing, uh, wait? You don't owe me anything." She looked away for a moment, confused. When she met his gaze again, she was blushing. "I know what we did on Svatralfheim was just an act, but thank you for saving my life. I think we're probably even. You're just crashing here. Hardly anything heroic on my part. No debts to be paid."

Loki was surprised to see her big doe eyes fixed on his face so intently. "Thor loved you. I'd have done it for anyone he held so dear."

Stomping from the stairwell prematurely announced Darcy's arrival home. "It's Cinco de Mayo, bitches!" she announced as she burst through the door with a giant jug of yellow liquid and several grocery bags in her hands.

Her oversized sombrero made Jane's face contort into a horrified mask. "You didn't walk through the city like that," she breathed. "Did you?"

"I walked through the city like this!" Darcy exclaimed. "Since we can't go out thanks to Space Prince here, I thought I'd bring the party here!" She shimmied her way to the kitchen. "Tequila. Margarita mix. Chips and salsa and queso. Now stand back 'cause I'm makin' tacos."

Loki raised an eyebrow. "Cinco de Mayo? A Midgardian custom, I take it?"

"It's a holiday to mark the-" Jane began to explain, but Darcy waved her hands in her face.

"It's a Mexican party day! That's all that matters. Now you are going to eat my dinner and love it because I want a party!" Mariachi music blared from her phone speaker as she bounced back and forth. "Arriba! Ole! C'mon Jane, you _know_ you want to party."

Cringing still, Jane shook her head at the Asgardian. "She's minimizing this. A lot. She's the worst."

"I'm no stranger to a party," Loki added slyly. "You don't need to talk me into it. I'm quite interested to see what this _tacos_ is all about."

Several margaritas after dinner, Darcey was convinced she knew how to samba. She swiveled her hips and stumbled back and forth, waving her hands in the air with flourishes here and there. "It's a sexy dance. Jane, why don't you ever samba with me?" She took off her glasses and flung them onto the counter.

"Darce," Jane scoffed. "It's only eight o'clock. I think that's enough marga-"

"Yes! Margaritas!" The brunette danced over to the counter and poured herself another. Half of the slushy drink slopped onto the counter, and another good portion down the outside of her glass. "Just a little more." She squinted, stuck her tongue out in concentration, and successfully got some of it into the glass. "Come to mamacita."

Loki and Jane exchanged a glance as Darcey stumbled a few steps. "Perhaps you should heed Miss Foster's advice," he cautioned. "You seem quite inebriated." He, on the other hand, was on his fourth margarita and entirely unaffected.

Darcey steadied herself on the counter and narrowed her eyes. "Maybe you're not knee-brated enough, fun killer."

"Ineb- you know what, nevermind." Loki deftly snatched the glass from her hand and drained it in one long gulp. "Come, back to your dancing. Show me this Midgardian dance." He took her by the hand and led her back to the empty space of the living room. "What's the first step? Instruct me."

"Um," Darcey mumbled, putting a finger to her lips. "I don't know. You just feel it. Move that skinny ass." She shook her own ass and twirled around. "Like this. Yeah!" The dancing gave way to jumping and fist pumping.

Shaking his head and chuckling, the prince turned back to Jane. "Miss Foster? Do you know this Cinco de Mayo dance?"

"Oh, I took some classes as a kid, but I'm not a dancer. And I don't know _what_ she's trying to do." Jane sipped at her margarita and dipped a chip in queso, taking care to wipe the dripping excess on the side of the bowl before crunching the nacho. "Samba? Salsa? That's something of her own creation."

"I think you know more than you're letting on. I'd be charmed if you'd show me." He held out his hand. "I quite enjoy dancing. When you attend as many balls as a prince, you learn to appreciate it."

Behind him, the fist pumping and jumping continued. Darcey's eyes were closed and she was mumbling along to the Spanish music playing from her phone.

"Well, I guess if you're on Earth- Midgard – you should learn some of our culture." Jane cleared her throat, carefully wiped the crumbs from her hands, and pushed the chair in. "I can't believe I'm doing this. You tried to destroy New York City."

"But I didn't," Loki quickly interrupted. "And now I'm trying to learn your culture. Go ahead. I'm a fantastic student."

Half an hour later, Darcey watched with half-lidded eyes as the prince deftly moved about the room with Jane. "That's not how you do it," she groaned. "Jane. You ruin everything."

Jane giggled and tossed a glance her way. "Go to bed, Darce."

"No! That's not the Cinco de Mayo way!" Though she slumped against the couch and struggled to keep her eyes open. "Ole."

When the song ended, Jane gasped for breath and sat back down at her seat at the table. "That's hard after a margarita. I need some water."

"I like that," Loki said, slightly winded. He moved toward the kitchen and poured a glass of water for her. "So fast. So fun. Much better than our dances. They're much more regal. Stiff."

From the couch Darcey groaned, then leaned forward and retched onto the carpet.

"Guess the party's over," Jane sighed. "That's a pretty typical Cinco de Mayo in America," she grumbled. "The one in the sombrero is usually the first one to go."

"Fascinating," Loki grinned. "This is going to be an interesting stay on Midgard, indeed."

 **Author's Note: Yeah wow I definitely didn't this one posted on May 5** **th** **like I'd planned that morning.**


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